So my day starts off slowly, no where to travel to, nothing dire to get done, a day like most days since I arrived back from Las Vegas two weeks ago. This change has been good for me. I could not feel my being amid the chaotic business of life on the edge in a metropolis. Now I feel it and with it I'm aware of the pointless thoughts that occasionally arise as a remnant from the recent past. I see the insanity now of how important I thought they were at that time now that they have been rendered completely mute.
Being can be present in any situation once you are accustomed to being that and only that but for most of us an unhurried peaceful situation is although not necessary helpful. So it is for me as I sit here writing, feeling the energy, and accepting any turn the day may bring.
So I'm bending even when my mind objects to it. When it does the insight that fear is always the motivation behind the resistance comes to me. Any irritation I feel is always because I'm making a judgement about the situation that somehow for whatever reason "it's just not right, fair, or not what I would choose for myself if I had a choice." More and more, as I connect to the truth of who I am, the situations diminish and when they do arise, I don't react to them. In this way, I open a path allowing peace instead of conflict to manifest.
As once I used to be run by my negative emotions, I'm accepting them now. I don't try to hide from them or cover them up by some distraction. Sometimes I have to sit with them. I just close my eyes and go right into the feeling. Most of the time they dissolve or at least I can see the imaginary limiting belief that caused them. Other times, they linger for awhile as anxiety but as long as I don't object to "That" they eventually fade and something else arises.
So all in all, things are peaceful. I've given up hearing from the jobs I applied for conceding that either they just aren't hiring or I'm not meant to go in that direction anyway. If the latter is true (which I suspect it is) I'm doing what I've always wanted to do, living in the moment and being able to write about that. If I ever figure out a way to make a sustainable no matter how modest living at this, I'll have realized a long time dream of mine.
Whatever happens, I'll just continue to say "Yes" to this moment because saying "No" just causes suffering and I've had enough of that for one lifetime.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Morning songs
I woke up to the song of birds outside the window and a calm washed over me like a shower of light and I instantly knew that all was right with my world. I did not need to change anything in this moment. The moment, the place, my situation, was all right with me. What's more is I actually feel grateful to be where I am.
Last night I unexpectedly found myself laughing at the complete absurdity of things. Possibilities then came into the opening and I knew that the world had conspired to bring me here again. I also knew just what I would do with it. A deeper path revealed itself, a path that I've found myself on again and again, honestly, when it comes to my highest good, the universe just won't cease it's seemingly unrelenting will for me.
To explain, a few years ago found me sitting in a Eckhart Tolle inspired silent circle meditation group. I had never been to one before so I was a bit uncomfortable with the silence. It was the longest time I had ever sat with the intention to be in the now, to be fully present with nothing to do, nothing to think, to just be in complete silence. The silence lasted about 45 minutes and then the facilitator led the group in an inner body meditation which lasted about another 30 minutes. After that we went around the room and briefly introduced ourselves and shared anything we felt during the meditation. It was a small group of about fifteen people. Following that was more silent meditation until everyone silently left the group and went home.
I vividly remember driving home that night and scanning the radio for a song I liked. I felt incredibly good as I found one and started to sing along but I was not yet aware that I had crossed over into a consciousness beyond my normal state.
At the time, my children and I were living with my parents. In my whole life, I had never gotten along with my parents but for financial reasons we had been living with them for several years by that time. Nothing was ever peaceful between my parents and constant conflict was the norm so my solution was to keep my children and myself out of their way as much as possible, nevertheless, I was constantly bothered by what I considered their hostile opinions and behaviors. "My parents" I lamented constantly to myself "were morons and I wished more than anything to find a better living arrangement."
On this particular night I came home from the meeting to find my parents arguing again. They had been watching my children while I was away at the meditation and in normal circumstance their fighting would have had me immediately enraged as I despised it when they did it in front of my children. As I entered the situation this time, however, I greeted my children and immediately noticed my lack of negative emotions about anything. Although, I took action by taking my children up to the bedroom we shared and put a movie on for them to help drown out the shouting, I had no impulse to admonish my parents or change the situation. I was completely at peace.
A few minutes later, my mother knocked on my door wanting to talk with me about my father. She liked to tell me about the endless list of things my father had done and was doing wrong while she had done everything right and just on all occasions at all times. Normally, I just sat there rolling my eyes waiting for a chance to end or escape her repetitive incredibly delusional monologues. I wasn't a fan of my father so sometimes I would agree with her on various points which pleased her but not this time.
She went on and on and I just sat there listening with no comment, no reaction, no judgement, and no need to change anything. I did not even think to myself "when will she be done". I had no desire to be doing anything else but sitting there with her. Honestly, I think she could have gone on the entire night and I would have been okay with it because nothing she said was even coming from her. It was fascinating because I knew I was witnessing an entity that had nothing to do with my mother. It was like this alien was talking, using her voice, and her body. What's more is I suddenly seemed to have this deep understanding of everyone and everything around me.
Eventually, she went to bed and so did I. I knew at that point something profound had happened to me during that meditation. Despite living in a situation that had irritated me for years, I felt utterly fantastic. It was like a current of positive energy was pulsing through me so completely and so thoroughly, you could have shot me with a gun and I would have been fine with it. I was absolutely devoid of fear of any kind.
This state continued for two weeks without interruption. Nothing about the outer circumstances of my life changed during that short time but I wasn't disturbed by any of it at any time. Even my mother who was a virtual expert at arousing a negative response from me against my will with her constant complaining and nagging could not touch me no matter how long she stood in front of me ranting "Well, don't you have anything to say about that?" I didn't and I wasn't just ignoring her or biting my tongue like I'd done in the past. I absolutely had no reaction to any of it.
No matter where I go or what I do, the knowledge of that experience never leaves me. Even in times when I'm living my life in a way that I would consider "unconsciously" underneath runs a current of knowing it doesn't have to be this way.
The last few years of my life could have sent even the most optimistic and upbeat of people close to the edge and the last few weeks would have sealed their fate, but I made it. Right now I feel the energy, that wordless thoughtless other place where once again I can know who I am. It's not as strong as it was during those two weeks but it's there and I recognize it. There are no meetings in this area like the one that caused my initial shift so I'm going to try to put one together myself. Something about the gathering of like minded people meditating at once seems to widen the opening.
I finally realize that there is nothing to aspire to, no job, no purpose greater than living your life awake because without that your life no matter what your circumstance is nothing more than a struggle, a drama, and worst of all full of pain. Pain is the teacher. It brings you to the edge and sometimes if you get lucky, it pushes you through the veil.
I can't imagine being anyone else but me. I can't imagine having had a comfortable life that would have kept me in some average pattern. I can't imagine not knowing what I know. I can't imagine having to go through life without this gift that I've been given. Life is incredible. It's not about anything you can have or want because no one can buy what I have. If I could I would give it to everyone on earth because I can't think of anything better I could do with my time.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to this. Maybe you know what I mean?
Last night I unexpectedly found myself laughing at the complete absurdity of things. Possibilities then came into the opening and I knew that the world had conspired to bring me here again. I also knew just what I would do with it. A deeper path revealed itself, a path that I've found myself on again and again, honestly, when it comes to my highest good, the universe just won't cease it's seemingly unrelenting will for me.
To explain, a few years ago found me sitting in a Eckhart Tolle inspired silent circle meditation group. I had never been to one before so I was a bit uncomfortable with the silence. It was the longest time I had ever sat with the intention to be in the now, to be fully present with nothing to do, nothing to think, to just be in complete silence. The silence lasted about 45 minutes and then the facilitator led the group in an inner body meditation which lasted about another 30 minutes. After that we went around the room and briefly introduced ourselves and shared anything we felt during the meditation. It was a small group of about fifteen people. Following that was more silent meditation until everyone silently left the group and went home.
I vividly remember driving home that night and scanning the radio for a song I liked. I felt incredibly good as I found one and started to sing along but I was not yet aware that I had crossed over into a consciousness beyond my normal state.
At the time, my children and I were living with my parents. In my whole life, I had never gotten along with my parents but for financial reasons we had been living with them for several years by that time. Nothing was ever peaceful between my parents and constant conflict was the norm so my solution was to keep my children and myself out of their way as much as possible, nevertheless, I was constantly bothered by what I considered their hostile opinions and behaviors. "My parents" I lamented constantly to myself "were morons and I wished more than anything to find a better living arrangement."
On this particular night I came home from the meeting to find my parents arguing again. They had been watching my children while I was away at the meditation and in normal circumstance their fighting would have had me immediately enraged as I despised it when they did it in front of my children. As I entered the situation this time, however, I greeted my children and immediately noticed my lack of negative emotions about anything. Although, I took action by taking my children up to the bedroom we shared and put a movie on for them to help drown out the shouting, I had no impulse to admonish my parents or change the situation. I was completely at peace.
A few minutes later, my mother knocked on my door wanting to talk with me about my father. She liked to tell me about the endless list of things my father had done and was doing wrong while she had done everything right and just on all occasions at all times. Normally, I just sat there rolling my eyes waiting for a chance to end or escape her repetitive incredibly delusional monologues. I wasn't a fan of my father so sometimes I would agree with her on various points which pleased her but not this time.
She went on and on and I just sat there listening with no comment, no reaction, no judgement, and no need to change anything. I did not even think to myself "when will she be done". I had no desire to be doing anything else but sitting there with her. Honestly, I think she could have gone on the entire night and I would have been okay with it because nothing she said was even coming from her. It was fascinating because I knew I was witnessing an entity that had nothing to do with my mother. It was like this alien was talking, using her voice, and her body. What's more is I suddenly seemed to have this deep understanding of everyone and everything around me.
Eventually, she went to bed and so did I. I knew at that point something profound had happened to me during that meditation. Despite living in a situation that had irritated me for years, I felt utterly fantastic. It was like a current of positive energy was pulsing through me so completely and so thoroughly, you could have shot me with a gun and I would have been fine with it. I was absolutely devoid of fear of any kind.
This state continued for two weeks without interruption. Nothing about the outer circumstances of my life changed during that short time but I wasn't disturbed by any of it at any time. Even my mother who was a virtual expert at arousing a negative response from me against my will with her constant complaining and nagging could not touch me no matter how long she stood in front of me ranting "Well, don't you have anything to say about that?" I didn't and I wasn't just ignoring her or biting my tongue like I'd done in the past. I absolutely had no reaction to any of it.
No matter where I go or what I do, the knowledge of that experience never leaves me. Even in times when I'm living my life in a way that I would consider "unconsciously" underneath runs a current of knowing it doesn't have to be this way.
The last few years of my life could have sent even the most optimistic and upbeat of people close to the edge and the last few weeks would have sealed their fate, but I made it. Right now I feel the energy, that wordless thoughtless other place where once again I can know who I am. It's not as strong as it was during those two weeks but it's there and I recognize it. There are no meetings in this area like the one that caused my initial shift so I'm going to try to put one together myself. Something about the gathering of like minded people meditating at once seems to widen the opening.
I finally realize that there is nothing to aspire to, no job, no purpose greater than living your life awake because without that your life no matter what your circumstance is nothing more than a struggle, a drama, and worst of all full of pain. Pain is the teacher. It brings you to the edge and sometimes if you get lucky, it pushes you through the veil.
I can't imagine being anyone else but me. I can't imagine having had a comfortable life that would have kept me in some average pattern. I can't imagine not knowing what I know. I can't imagine having to go through life without this gift that I've been given. Life is incredible. It's not about anything you can have or want because no one can buy what I have. If I could I would give it to everyone on earth because I can't think of anything better I could do with my time.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to this. Maybe you know what I mean?
Friday, April 6, 2012
Regressed
I went to bed last night extremely sad. The tears that hardly ever come anymore appeared along with the words "Just how much more can I take?" and of course "It's hopeless. It will never work out. This time I'm ruined for good." Of course, I was very tired having only had four hours sleep the night before as sleeping in someones old discarded reclining chair that has been worn down to practically the metal isn't the most conducive of sleeping arrangements.
Naturally, after a little more sleep but just as uncomfortable, this morning didn't work out so well either. The boys woke up fighting with each other and I was low on tolerance for such horseplay and every move they made was like a spoon stirring through my already full cup of guilt. When they said "I'm bored!" I heard "Your mother was right, you are a failure." In my lowest moments, I always refer back to the story I was told by my parents, mainly that I would not amount to much.
It's been a week and no word, not even a whisper, about the job I applied for and that translates to "nobody wants you, you silly, why do you delude yourself thinking it could ever change?" On and on, the story goes that I and many others know so well. Yes well, with millions upon millions of people on anti-depressant drugs and tranquilizers these days, I know I'm not alone. There is actually a website called "Life sucks" and it's basic message is "it does not get better so get used to it."
"Why?", I ask myself, "Do we listen to and believe these stories about ourselves?" When we see it coming why don't we just say "STOP" and recognize it for the sham, the lie, that it is? Why don't I?" Why do I continuously have to go through this rigorous questioning of myself to see whether or not I am indeed the story, this flat version of a life or whether I am something more? I suspect it's conditioning.
Most of us learn from an early age to be ashamed of ourselves when things don't turn out like the pretty picture in the magazine. Nobody bothers to tell us that what we see there isn't even real. It's air brushed and manipulated by someone else's fantasy version of what life should look like. We get so used to looking at things from this materialistic viewpoint that a massive amount of the population doesn't even realize there is a depth to life. The media is fantastic at brainwashing people into buying and consuming the most ridiculous things and it teaches us how to judge not only others but most importantly, ourselves.
So that's where I found myself this morning. I'm coming out of it now. I can feel the space around me again. I can sense the depth of the breeze that is coming through the open door. I don't know what will happen in the seconds after this one. I know that I am breathing and my heart is beating right now. I know that as long as that keeps happening I have a reason for being here. I trust that when I remain open to the current of being I will wind up exactly where I am supposed to be. I know I am right where I'm supposed to be right now in this moment. How do I know it? Because that is where I am. What about you?
Naturally, after a little more sleep but just as uncomfortable, this morning didn't work out so well either. The boys woke up fighting with each other and I was low on tolerance for such horseplay and every move they made was like a spoon stirring through my already full cup of guilt. When they said "I'm bored!" I heard "Your mother was right, you are a failure." In my lowest moments, I always refer back to the story I was told by my parents, mainly that I would not amount to much.
It's been a week and no word, not even a whisper, about the job I applied for and that translates to "nobody wants you, you silly, why do you delude yourself thinking it could ever change?" On and on, the story goes that I and many others know so well. Yes well, with millions upon millions of people on anti-depressant drugs and tranquilizers these days, I know I'm not alone. There is actually a website called "Life sucks" and it's basic message is "it does not get better so get used to it."
"Why?", I ask myself, "Do we listen to and believe these stories about ourselves?" When we see it coming why don't we just say "STOP" and recognize it for the sham, the lie, that it is? Why don't I?" Why do I continuously have to go through this rigorous questioning of myself to see whether or not I am indeed the story, this flat version of a life or whether I am something more? I suspect it's conditioning.
Most of us learn from an early age to be ashamed of ourselves when things don't turn out like the pretty picture in the magazine. Nobody bothers to tell us that what we see there isn't even real. It's air brushed and manipulated by someone else's fantasy version of what life should look like. We get so used to looking at things from this materialistic viewpoint that a massive amount of the population doesn't even realize there is a depth to life. The media is fantastic at brainwashing people into buying and consuming the most ridiculous things and it teaches us how to judge not only others but most importantly, ourselves.
So that's where I found myself this morning. I'm coming out of it now. I can feel the space around me again. I can sense the depth of the breeze that is coming through the open door. I don't know what will happen in the seconds after this one. I know that I am breathing and my heart is beating right now. I know that as long as that keeps happening I have a reason for being here. I trust that when I remain open to the current of being I will wind up exactly where I am supposed to be. I know I am right where I'm supposed to be right now in this moment. How do I know it? Because that is where I am. What about you?
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Forgotten History, Forgotten Future
The argument that studying the past makes us learn from the mistakes held there just doesn't work for me. Reliving the past, over and over again, just seems to hold me there, not in wisdom but usually regret. It can also be a place of judging others and what they did to me. None of it helps me to grow in the least because in that place, the past, nothing changes, it is what it is.
So when I'm going about my day and all of a sudden I catch myself thinking about something that happened "in the past", I stop and hit the delete button in my mind. Sometimes I have to push it more than once because my mind wants to know why I'm thinking about this or that. It will try any trick in the book to get me to stay there with it. It wants to figure it out somehow, how did things come to this? How did I arrive in this place? Negative emotions, for me, almost always accompany this process of scanning the past for an explanation.
So everyday, more and more, I'm giving up the past. This is not the same as making peace with it or accepting it. Personally, I neither need nor want to do that because this is just giving it the attention it seeks. The past to me is like this whole other being that just loves pain. Even though I have good memories too, I rarely find myself unconsciously conjuring up something wonderful that happened and becoming consumed in it.
I think there is the whole dynamic of how thinking about the past creates whatever difficult situations you found there and repeats them. Some say this is how we learn our lessons in life, a similar situation keeps arising until we learn it's meaning but it's never worked for me because as long as I am deriving my information about a present situation from a past situation I find I repeatedly have the same reaction to it over and over again. Time for something new.
So I'm dissolving the past today and moving in a new direction. The first step for me in this process is to continually take the present moment and notice what is in it. I listen for sounds and look at what is really there, this room, my child, this computer, these words. Then I accept what I find as being exactly as it is instead of saying to myself "if only I was somewhere else" or "if only I had gone there." I am where I am now. It doesn't matter how I got here, what matters is what I am doing now and I turn my attention to finding something useful to do.
Likewise, I refrain from thinking about the future because no amount of thinking about that can predict or prepare me for something that may or may not happen. I don't know about you, but I have never once imagined how something might happen and then experienced it exactly as I imagined. In all cases, it has always been completely and utterly different, sometimes worse than I thought but on the whole, the future is always better than I thought it would be. Of course, it's all a matter of perception anyway because isn't a situation bad only if I label it bad? And just what am I basing my judgement on? I'm basing them and weighing them against my past.
So my goal is not to let anything that I see be seen through the colored glasses of my memory. Then I will surely miss what's here to be found because anything found at the other end of the lens is no longer what it is but distorted and diluted from the murky film. So my day becomes a meditation, I am helping to clean my friends home, mopping floors, cleaning a bathroom, laundry, vacuuming, and spraying for bugs. I don't care for chemicals but in this case it is necessary, and history or no history, the roaches need to move out.
I can look at it as drudgery, a chore to be endured, or I can enjoy every moment knowing that my being needs to be useful and no act of usefulness is ever wasted. But before I can do that, I will need to get off this post and get moving.
Have a present day!
So when I'm going about my day and all of a sudden I catch myself thinking about something that happened "in the past", I stop and hit the delete button in my mind. Sometimes I have to push it more than once because my mind wants to know why I'm thinking about this or that. It will try any trick in the book to get me to stay there with it. It wants to figure it out somehow, how did things come to this? How did I arrive in this place? Negative emotions, for me, almost always accompany this process of scanning the past for an explanation.
So everyday, more and more, I'm giving up the past. This is not the same as making peace with it or accepting it. Personally, I neither need nor want to do that because this is just giving it the attention it seeks. The past to me is like this whole other being that just loves pain. Even though I have good memories too, I rarely find myself unconsciously conjuring up something wonderful that happened and becoming consumed in it.
I think there is the whole dynamic of how thinking about the past creates whatever difficult situations you found there and repeats them. Some say this is how we learn our lessons in life, a similar situation keeps arising until we learn it's meaning but it's never worked for me because as long as I am deriving my information about a present situation from a past situation I find I repeatedly have the same reaction to it over and over again. Time for something new.
So I'm dissolving the past today and moving in a new direction. The first step for me in this process is to continually take the present moment and notice what is in it. I listen for sounds and look at what is really there, this room, my child, this computer, these words. Then I accept what I find as being exactly as it is instead of saying to myself "if only I was somewhere else" or "if only I had gone there." I am where I am now. It doesn't matter how I got here, what matters is what I am doing now and I turn my attention to finding something useful to do.
Likewise, I refrain from thinking about the future because no amount of thinking about that can predict or prepare me for something that may or may not happen. I don't know about you, but I have never once imagined how something might happen and then experienced it exactly as I imagined. In all cases, it has always been completely and utterly different, sometimes worse than I thought but on the whole, the future is always better than I thought it would be. Of course, it's all a matter of perception anyway because isn't a situation bad only if I label it bad? And just what am I basing my judgement on? I'm basing them and weighing them against my past.
So my goal is not to let anything that I see be seen through the colored glasses of my memory. Then I will surely miss what's here to be found because anything found at the other end of the lens is no longer what it is but distorted and diluted from the murky film. So my day becomes a meditation, I am helping to clean my friends home, mopping floors, cleaning a bathroom, laundry, vacuuming, and spraying for bugs. I don't care for chemicals but in this case it is necessary, and history or no history, the roaches need to move out.
I can look at it as drudgery, a chore to be endured, or I can enjoy every moment knowing that my being needs to be useful and no act of usefulness is ever wasted. But before I can do that, I will need to get off this post and get moving.
Have a present day!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
What If?
What if something wonderful was about to happen and I didn't even know it? What if I was about to stumble upon a secret for living in harmony with every situation I found myself in? What if pain, anxiety, uncertainty, insecurity, and fear in large measures heaped upon a person all at once was the key to overcoming every obstacle I have encountered in myself? What if a cockroach infested, falling apart tiny two bedroom old trailer in a trailer park was where I would find my idea to turn it all around once and for all? What if all along I was thinking way to small instead of way too big?
What if?
Is anything possible? Is anything impossible? What are the chances that I'm about to embark on a new journey filled with more joy than I can even imagine possible at this moment? What if I took all my seemingly bad life experiences, experiences that seem to color how I see myself, and I tossed it all out the window? What if I realized once and for all that a person, a person just like me, is a gift from the unknown strands of time that run through us all? Sounds good, doesn't it? But what if it really was the truth and what if I was able to realize that truth all at once in just one quiet moment?
What if you could too wherever you are and whoever you are? What if you could step out of your less than desirable current reality and step into a place of deep peace and constant understanding?
Everyday in this society, we are bombarded with images and messages designed to keep us buying something that we don't need and probably don't even want. We are slammed with horror movies and horror stories designed to keep us in fear and in doubt of ourselves. We are told how to do just about everything and what is "normal"? In every area of our lives, we are brainwashed into believing everything from "pop tarts" are a wonderful source of food for our bodies to public schooling is actually good for children. Even when we question and find the truth to combat the outrageous lies, we are consumed with an inner doubt that we just aren't good enough or smart enough to make our own decisions about anything.
But just what is the truth? Can you find it and if you can, can you trust it? This blog is all about trust. It's all about trusting myself and my connection to the truth that I find in the stillness of my being.
Eckhart Tolle, a leading spiritual leader today says “Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
What if?
Is anything possible? Is anything impossible? What are the chances that I'm about to embark on a new journey filled with more joy than I can even imagine possible at this moment? What if I took all my seemingly bad life experiences, experiences that seem to color how I see myself, and I tossed it all out the window? What if I realized once and for all that a person, a person just like me, is a gift from the unknown strands of time that run through us all? Sounds good, doesn't it? But what if it really was the truth and what if I was able to realize that truth all at once in just one quiet moment?
What if you could too wherever you are and whoever you are? What if you could step out of your less than desirable current reality and step into a place of deep peace and constant understanding?
Everyday in this society, we are bombarded with images and messages designed to keep us buying something that we don't need and probably don't even want. We are slammed with horror movies and horror stories designed to keep us in fear and in doubt of ourselves. We are told how to do just about everything and what is "normal"? In every area of our lives, we are brainwashed into believing everything from "pop tarts" are a wonderful source of food for our bodies to public schooling is actually good for children. Even when we question and find the truth to combat the outrageous lies, we are consumed with an inner doubt that we just aren't good enough or smart enough to make our own decisions about anything.
But just what is the truth? Can you find it and if you can, can you trust it? This blog is all about trust. It's all about trusting myself and my connection to the truth that I find in the stillness of my being.
Eckhart Tolle, a leading spiritual leader today says “Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
I am willing to see that now an opening is being created in my life. I'm willing to see that what seems like a failure in one area is actually a new beginning in another.
Please feel free to comment and share your stories here with me. Now that we have this wonderful tool called "the Internet" not one of us needs to wander alone and disconnected from each other.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
These are my hands and feet.
These are my hands and feet. As you can see they are as ordinary and original as they come. I consider myself a simple woman. I am 46 years old this year, an older mother to be sure. I sometimes worry that I am running out of time but then I wonder what that might mean as surely a certain maturity has come upon me in recent years. Looking back, I see how I might not have seen things as clearly as I do today.
I do not require much in the way of luxuries anymore. I don't long to paint my toenails or fingernails. I can't even imagine why women indulge in such vanities. The most I strive for is to provide a loving life for my children. If I would long for luxuries it would not be for me but for my children. I would hand them all the things they never had if only I could.
As I sit here in limbo of employment, a guest in my friends house, I only long for food to eat and shelter from the rain. I long for experiences that will strengthen my relationship with my children and relationship with silent being within everything. It's a precarious perch on some days and during some moments to be present for what my eyes behold in the concreteness of the cramped housing and the dirty floor that longs to swept if there weren't so many things strewn about on it.
It's nearly 4 pm now and still no offer just silent indifference. If I could do anything in the world I would not even leave my children to go to work. I would make a living from the home I do not even have yet. I am sure there are many others who would follow that if they could but they are few and in-between who can take a seemingly broken life and make it work.
I had a chance to talk to my friend who is so graciously sharing his meager home with us today. It is indeed rare that you might find a friend who knows first hand the struggles one faces in these waning times. My friend who also lives well below the poverty line is a kind and gentle soul. We met when his only prized possession, his house, burned down about 4 years ago. Since then though a photographer by trade for years, he lives off of his inadequate disability check. He has a heart condition that keeps his health from ever healing.
At any rate, we talk about how we might make an sustainable living wage (in case my job never materializes) perhaps together by pooling our talents. I will look for things for him to photograph and he will photograph for my writing pieces.
These are my hands and feet. They are attached to my body but they do not belong to me for I am not really just that. I am so much more if only one cares to look beyond appearances. Write to me and tell me who you are. We are only here to share what we have with each other.
The Wait
It's morning again and the comfort of the silent night passed too quickly once again. I make breakfast for the children as I wonder if I will hear from the business that I desperately hope will contact me regarding a job. Much to my dismay, anxiety courses through my bones as the impending dilemma of going broke confronts me.
I have to reach within but the space there seems vacant as the uncertainty like a dark hole threatens to engulf me. "Where am I?" I ask myself. "Where have "I" gone to?" I further inquire. The mind like a thief of time plays it's scenario's like a broken record when in all reality the phone is bound to ring at any moment delivering the good news. I have more than enough credentials and skills for this job.
The children meanwhile are doing their online studies so eager to learn. I must follow their example of lightheartedness and the carefree way they adapt to their surroundings. As children they live in the moment of now and have no care for tomorrow. As an adult, I look back and wonder how long ago I lost that ability, then I wonder how I can get it back but the answer doesn't come. Too often the answer doesn't come, only a summary of every road I might have traveled but didn't thus leading me to the place I have arrived in.
I think perhaps I should view a meditation video or read something inspirational or pray to something I don't even believe in. Oh, I know I am of the spirit that I am more than just a figure with arms and legs but the world has a way of discounting that. My own mother has rejected me saying "you have no job and no money, what good are you to me, I have no reason to talk with you." Ah yes, this sting of motherly rejection cuts deeply, slicing my heart open with a force so savage it defies all decency. I look at my mistakes, yes I've certainly made my share but should my worth be annihilated for them? I sometimes think that this is the way of the world.
There is the story. There is always a story. I must release the story but how can one erase a memory so painful? I must find a way. I run from the pain of it instead of feeling it. I must walk into the heart of that pain to end it. I must love my pain. So I do that now, I feel the pain of a thousand burdens and I say "Pain, you are safe with me now. I will love you." I close my eyes and breathe into that place. Slowly, the anxiety lifts by a thin layer, I breathe more deeply and I feel the need to sleep. An exhaustion has come over me but it's better than the nervous energy that preceded it.
I go to my youngest son and we read a book. It's just us, simple, reading yet another story. I imagine I could write my own book, a new story to replace the old one. I see a rainbow in my mind and a stream of light filled with love descending upon our heads, upon our bodies, magically transforming everything into a glittering gold.
I need a job so I can support my family. I am waiting for the phone to ring.
Let it ring!
I have to reach within but the space there seems vacant as the uncertainty like a dark hole threatens to engulf me. "Where am I?" I ask myself. "Where have "I" gone to?" I further inquire. The mind like a thief of time plays it's scenario's like a broken record when in all reality the phone is bound to ring at any moment delivering the good news. I have more than enough credentials and skills for this job.
The children meanwhile are doing their online studies so eager to learn. I must follow their example of lightheartedness and the carefree way they adapt to their surroundings. As children they live in the moment of now and have no care for tomorrow. As an adult, I look back and wonder how long ago I lost that ability, then I wonder how I can get it back but the answer doesn't come. Too often the answer doesn't come, only a summary of every road I might have traveled but didn't thus leading me to the place I have arrived in.
I think perhaps I should view a meditation video or read something inspirational or pray to something I don't even believe in. Oh, I know I am of the spirit that I am more than just a figure with arms and legs but the world has a way of discounting that. My own mother has rejected me saying "you have no job and no money, what good are you to me, I have no reason to talk with you." Ah yes, this sting of motherly rejection cuts deeply, slicing my heart open with a force so savage it defies all decency. I look at my mistakes, yes I've certainly made my share but should my worth be annihilated for them? I sometimes think that this is the way of the world.
There is the story. There is always a story. I must release the story but how can one erase a memory so painful? I must find a way. I run from the pain of it instead of feeling it. I must walk into the heart of that pain to end it. I must love my pain. So I do that now, I feel the pain of a thousand burdens and I say "Pain, you are safe with me now. I will love you." I close my eyes and breathe into that place. Slowly, the anxiety lifts by a thin layer, I breathe more deeply and I feel the need to sleep. An exhaustion has come over me but it's better than the nervous energy that preceded it.
I go to my youngest son and we read a book. It's just us, simple, reading yet another story. I imagine I could write my own book, a new story to replace the old one. I see a rainbow in my mind and a stream of light filled with love descending upon our heads, upon our bodies, magically transforming everything into a glittering gold.
I need a job so I can support my family. I am waiting for the phone to ring.
Let it ring!
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