Saturday, April 7, 2012

Morning songs

I woke up to the song of birds outside the window and a calm washed over me like a shower of light and I instantly knew that all was right with my world.  I did not need to change anything in this moment.  The moment, the place, my situation, was all right with me.  What's more is I actually feel grateful to be where I am.

Last night I unexpectedly found myself laughing at the complete absurdity of things.  Possibilities then came into the opening and I knew that the world had conspired to bring me here again.  I also knew just what I would do with it.  A deeper path revealed itself, a path that I've found myself on again and again, honestly, when it comes to my highest good, the universe just won't cease it's seemingly unrelenting will for me.

To explain, a few years ago found me sitting in a Eckhart Tolle inspired silent circle meditation group.  I had never been to one before so I was a bit uncomfortable with the silence.  It was the longest time I had ever sat with the intention to be in the now, to be fully present with nothing to do, nothing to think, to just be in complete silence.  The silence lasted about 45 minutes and then the facilitator led the group in an inner body meditation which lasted about another 30 minutes.  After that we went around the room and briefly introduced ourselves and shared anything we felt during the meditation.  It was a small group of about fifteen people.  Following that was more silent meditation until everyone silently left the group and went home.

I vividly remember driving home that night and scanning the radio for a song I liked.  I felt incredibly good as I found one and started to sing along but I was not yet aware that I had crossed over into a consciousness beyond my normal state. 

At the time, my children and I were living with my parents.  In my whole life, I had never gotten along with my parents but for financial reasons we had been living with them for several years by that time.  Nothing was ever peaceful between my parents and constant conflict was the norm so my solution was to keep my children and myself out of their way as much as possible, nevertheless, I was constantly bothered by what I considered their hostile opinions and behaviors.  "My parents" I lamented constantly to myself  "were morons and I wished more than anything to find a better living arrangement."

On this particular night I came home from the meeting to find my parents arguing again.  They had been watching my children while I was away at the meditation and in normal circumstance their fighting would have had me immediately enraged as I despised it when they did it in front of my children.  As I entered the situation this time, however, I greeted my children and immediately noticed my lack of negative emotions about anything.  Although, I took action by taking my children up to the bedroom we shared and put a movie on for them to help drown out the shouting, I had no impulse to admonish my parents or change the situation.  I was completely at peace. 

A few minutes later, my mother knocked on my door wanting to talk with me about my father.  She liked to tell me about the endless list of things my father had done and was doing wrong while she had done everything right and just on all occasions at all times.  Normally, I just sat there rolling my eyes waiting for a chance to end or escape her repetitive incredibly delusional monologues.  I wasn't a fan of my father so sometimes I would agree with her on various points which pleased her but not this time. 

She went on and on and I just sat there listening with no comment, no reaction, no judgement, and no need to change anything.  I did not even think to myself "when will she be done".  I had no desire to be doing anything else but sitting there with her.  Honestly, I think she could have gone on the entire night and I would have been okay with it because nothing she said was even coming from her.  It was fascinating because I knew I was witnessing an entity that had nothing to do with my mother.  It was like this alien was talking, using her voice, and her body.  What's more is I suddenly seemed to have this deep understanding of everyone and everything around me.

Eventually, she went to bed and so did I.  I knew at that point something profound had happened to me during that meditation.  Despite living in a situation that had irritated me for years, I felt utterly fantastic.  It was like a current of positive energy was pulsing through me so completely and so thoroughly, you could have shot me with a gun and I would have been fine with it.  I was absolutely devoid of fear of any kind. 

This state continued for two weeks without interruption.  Nothing about the outer circumstances of my life changed during that short time but I wasn't disturbed by any of it at any time.  Even my mother who was a virtual expert at arousing a negative response from me against my will with her constant complaining and nagging could not touch me no matter how long she stood in front of me ranting  "Well, don't you have anything to say about that?"  I didn't and I wasn't just ignoring her or biting my tongue like I'd done in the past.  I absolutely had no reaction to any of it. 

No matter where I go or what I do, the knowledge of that experience never leaves me.  Even in times when I'm living my life in a way that I would consider "unconsciously" underneath runs a current of knowing it doesn't have to be this way. 

The last few years of my life could have sent even the most optimistic and upbeat of people close to the edge and the last few weeks would have sealed their fate, but I made it.  Right now I feel the energy, that wordless thoughtless other place where once again I can know who I am.  It's not as strong as it was during those two weeks but it's there and I recognize it.  There are no meetings in this area like the one that caused my initial shift so I'm going to try to put one together myself.  Something about the gathering of like minded people meditating at once seems to widen the opening. 

I finally realize that there is nothing to aspire to, no job, no purpose greater than living your life awake because without that your life no matter what your circumstance is nothing more than a struggle, a drama, and worst of all full of pain.  Pain is the teacher.  It brings you to the edge and sometimes if you get lucky, it pushes you through the veil.

I can't imagine being anyone else but me.  I can't imagine having had a comfortable life that would have kept me in some average pattern.  I can't imagine not knowing what I know.  I can't imagine having to go through life without this gift that I've been given.  Life is incredible.  It's not about anything you can have or want because no one can buy what I have.  If I could I would give it to everyone on earth because I can't think of anything better I could do with my time.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to this.  Maybe you know what I mean?

1 comment:

  1. I think I know what you mean.. maybe different circumstances..but the feelings and thoughts are the same.. I have experienced this in deep prayer meetings.. not just in church.. any church for that matter ..but being in a group of like minded people all sitting in silent prayer... i have lost a lot of what i once had in those meetings.... through many storms recently...but there are days That I remember ...that i get a glimpse of how it could be....nice post... As always...XOXOXOXO

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