Surviving the current landscape of joblessness, the rising costs of simple basic needs for food and living has sent me into the deepest parts of my soul. Where once I judged myself by the current fashion, the car I drove, and the extra curriculum activities I was able to provide my children I now only judge myself by the amount of compassion and love I am able to transmit on a moment by moment basis with my children.
Meditation is a requirement to my day now. To touch the part of me that can not be defined by possessions or status, the place that no words can describe, that part of me that is timeless, unseeable, and yet more alive than any role or identity could fabricate. These are things that I strive to touch these days.
My days begin with coffee to wake from the uncomfortable restless sleep I sometimes have. I watch my children in their peaceful sleep, the innocence emanating from their heavy eyelids, the deep breaths barely audible, and the places that they go to when their sleep takes them to another world. I sometimes would rather not wake them to the pitiful surroundings we find ourselves in, staying with a friend, sleeping on their couch, waiting for a job offer. I have to remember that the outside does not reflect the inside.
I count my breath when my thoughts of lack threaten to intrude upon my deeper peace. I have to shower love on the situation I find myself in. I have to accept the seemingly unacceptable. I have to open myself up when my mind would tell me to close myself off. I have to trust the unknown and the unknowable.
The sky tonight threatens a thunderstorm and possibly a tornado. I watch the darkening sky with awe and wonder. I'm mesmerized with it's ability to rage and dance without attachment to anything below it. I too want to be unattached, to rage and dance without worry or care, to be without consequence.
"Is it possible?" I ask myself. I am nervous. I don't eat well, as a mother I want to save the food for the children, I am old enough to tolerate hunger. I breathe again, and again. I listen to my heart beat surely I am that which lives, that which beats. We have always survived. The worst has never come upon us despite my fears. I must transcend this time, this place.
I must love myself, I must love the world.
How beautiful. You have a wonderful writing style. Found you through the FB blogging tribe. Good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Marth, it's been a passion of mine to write ever since I was young but I never had any formal training and to this day my immediate family refuses to read anything I write and calls it foolishness. It's therefore comments like these mean the world to me because if you don't follow your passion then how will you ever know what you might have achieved.
DeleteYour new blog looks great, and I think your writing style sounds like something out of a novel. Have you ever considered writing a book?
ReplyDeleteThank you and yes I have wanted to write a book for the longest time. In a way, this blog is my book, as long as I stay consistent, it's the story of my life.
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