The Wait

It's morning again and the comfort of the silent night passed too quickly once again.  I make breakfast for the children as I wonder if I will hear from the business that I desperately hope will contact me regarding a job.  Much to my dismay, anxiety courses through my bones as the impending dilemma of going broke confronts me.

I have to reach within but the space there seems vacant as the uncertainty like a dark hole threatens to engulf me. "Where am I?" I ask myself.  "Where have "I" gone to?" I further inquire.  The mind like a thief of time plays it's scenario's like a broken record when in all reality the phone is bound to ring at any moment delivering the good news.  I have more than enough credentials and skills for this job.

The children meanwhile are doing their online studies so eager to learn.  I must follow their example of lightheartedness and the carefree way they adapt to their surroundings.  As children they live in the moment of now and have no care for tomorrow.  As an adult, I look back and wonder how long ago I lost that ability, then I wonder how I can get it back but the answer doesn't come.  Too often the answer doesn't come, only a  summary of every road I might have traveled but didn't thus leading me to the place I have arrived in.

I think perhaps I should view a meditation video or read something inspirational or pray to something I don't even believe in.  Oh, I know I am of the spirit that I am more than just a figure with arms and legs but the world has a way of discounting that.  My own mother has rejected me saying "you have no job and no money, what good are you to me, I have no reason to talk with you."  Ah yes, this sting of motherly rejection cuts deeply, slicing my heart open with a force so savage it defies all decency.  I look at my mistakes, yes I've certainly made my share but should my worth be annihilated for them?  I sometimes think that this is the way of the world.

There is the story.  There is always a story.  I must release the story but how can one erase a memory so painful?  I must find a way.  I run from the pain of it instead of feeling it.  I must walk into the heart of that pain to end it.  I must love my pain.  So I do that now, I feel the pain of a thousand burdens and I say "Pain, you are safe with me now.  I will love you."  I close my eyes and breathe into that place.  Slowly, the anxiety lifts by a thin layer, I breathe more deeply and I feel the need to sleep.  An exhaustion has come over me but it's better than the nervous energy that preceded it.

I go to my youngest son and we read a book.  It's just us, simple, reading yet another story.  I imagine I could write my own book, a new story to replace the old one.  I see a rainbow in my mind and a stream of light filled with love descending upon our heads, upon our bodies, magically transforming everything into a glittering gold.

I need a job so I can support my family.  I am waiting for the phone to ring.

Let it ring!